


An Unleashed Dog, A Ferret, And A Cat Walk Into A Bar...The Bird Flies Under It

by scifinut



Category: Torchwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-08
Updated: 2011-09-08
Packaged: 2017-10-23 12:53:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/250511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifinut/pseuds/scifinut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unabashed crack. Torchwood turns into animals, and then has to deal with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Unleashed Dog, A Ferret, And A Cat Walk Into A Bar...The Bird Flies Under It

Ianto dropped everyone off at a crowded marketplace. Well, a formerly crowded marketplace. It seemed that everyone had run off quickly when the spaceship had landed in the center of it. He for once was glad of his job of parking the SUV, as the call had sounded quite panicked. Being a backup member of the team and a primary housekeeper/butler/driver/go-to man meant that he didn't have to be the first contact team, or even the second contact team or third contact team. He was there once the contact had been made, or if it was too dangerous to go without him. Or when Jack was PMSing, which gladly he wasn't the past few days.

When he returned on foot a few minutes later, the ship was taking off. Hopefully it was a simple case of asking them to leave and not come back for a few hundred years. Hope, however, was dashed when he stepped out into the interior of the center and saw four piles of clothing. His teammates' clothing. And they were...squirming? Oh, shit, this wasn't a good sign.

Out from Owen's jeans crawled a scruffy-looking terrier. It looked around and yowled before running over to Ianto and scratching at his lower legs. A ferret was winding its way out of Gwen's clothes, while a cat was apparently making itself right at home in Jack's greatcoat. He walked slowly over to Tosh's pile and removed the top as a yellow stomached bird flew right out at his face. "What the hell is going on here?" he asked no one in particular.

The dog came up and whined at him, pawing at his feet. It ran back and grabbed Owen's t-shirt, throwing it over its body, and ran back to Ianto. The cat looked over and yawned, flicking its tail lazily. The ferret slunk over to the cat's side and lay beside it, just outside what could be considered snuggling distance. "Easy there," Ianto said carefully, taking the still struggling bird into his hands. "I've got you, it's okay." The bird immediately quieted and sat still in Ianto's hands, twisting its head sideways to examine him.

It hit Ianto suddenly. "Tosh?" he asked, and the bird hopped a bit in his hands. "Owen?" he asked, looking down at the dog. The same one who had just gotten excited enough to pee all over Ianto's pants and shoes. "Which means...Gwen and Jack?" The cat nodded and rolled over in his coat.

This was a first, even for Torchwood. Never before had anyone had to deal with being turned into an animal, or being left with the animals to take care of. The cat, of course, was fitting. Jack had more than nine lives, and Ianto knew for a fact just how cuddly he was at times. And the regal disdain with which he seemed to hold the rest of the world, it just fit.

And Owen as a terrier, he definitely had the energy and the rebellious streak, though Ianto only had to remind him once what the litter box was for. He supposed the threat of ruining his coffee in various and twisted ways worked. And Jack and Gwen were smart enough to use it without threats.

Tosh made sense as a bird, the whole twisting the head fit her personality so well, but Gwen as a ferret was something that Ianto was still trying to work out. It wasn't a problem, as she was terribly understanding as Ianto picked her up and stroked her absently while trying to match the ship against known species and their craft to figure out who had done this.

Jack sauntered over and jumped onto the computer keyboard, landing right on top of Ianto's hand and not even caring about it. He knew Ianto was looking in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing entirely, but he couldn't tell him. With bared teeth, he glared at Ianto and pranced on the keyboard. It took a bit of concentration, but he managed to dance his paws about to carefully open up a text editor. And yes, there were plenty of typos, but at least he was getting his message across.

mnew speciues. comiunbg bsack maybe soon swae ardes likes tfhis tfo lesarn A lesszonb./

"A lesson?" Ianto asked, scratching behind Jack's ears absently. Jcak butted up against Ianto's hand, purring happily. "Well, at least it's not permanent. Though I'm sure I'm going to have to explain this to someone at some point." There was a skittering up his leg and a ferret trying to climb into his hair. "Gwen, stop it!" he cried, picking her up and holding her up. "I'll call Rhys, tell him you had to travel to...Glasgow for a few days." He set her beside Jack and decided to save the text file of where she was dancing around him on the keyboard. It was kind of cute, in a way. "Alright, I'll go make the call. And tonight I've got to feed Myfanwy, so we've got to clear you all out. I'll take you to my flat, or we can all go stay down in Jack's room." He was still scratching the cat's ears and there was no response, so he figured it was not a problem.

Owen barked sharply and danced around in a circle. "Yes, Owen?" Ianto asked, leaning down to pet him. He couldn't help it, the dog was just cute. Owen barked again, still spinning in circles. "What is it?"

The dog barked three times. Ianto still didn't understand. What is this guy, dumb or something? Owen thought. It was odd, he still thought as a human, but it was different, his senses and sensibilities were a bit off. Tosh has flown off somewhere, idiot! He jumped up on Ianto's lap, then up onto the keyboard with Gwen and Jack, and barked three more times.

Ianto looked at the three of them sitting there and realized what Owen was trying to tell him. "Thanks, I wouldn't have noticed." He picked up the dog and set him back on the ground. "Now, no breaking the computers, okay?" He stood and looked around, but couldn't see the small bird anywhere. "TOSH," he called, hoping she would simply come in to see what he needed. No such luck, he heard her chirping from across the Hub but couldn't see her. "Tosh, come back here please. We're getting ready to leave."

The bird flitted over by the rest of them, but kept out of Ianto's reach. "Come on, Tosh, please. Let's just go, alright?" He held a hand out and waited for her to land on it, but she chirped playfully and stayed above him. It was obvious this was going to be a difficult situation. "Tosh," Ianto said in a flat voice. "This isn't funny. Come on, it's time to go."

Jack yawned and laid his head down on his front paws and Gwen curled up at his side. Ianto rolled his eyes and jumped up trying to reach the bird. "Alright, fine, stay here," he sighed. "Owen, I'm sorry, but I've got to put some sort of leash on you." He knelt with a soft rope and looped it gently around Owen's neck. "I know you don't like it, but I don't want to have to explain why I'm walking through the city with an unleashed dog and a ferret and a cat." He knew Owen would stay close, which would mean that the leash wouldn't tighten on him. Jack and Gwen would be in a soft cloth grocery bag, and hopefully they wouldn't kill each other on the trip home.

After the long trip home, he dropped off the co-workers/pets and headed to a pet store to get harnesses for Owen and Gwen and food for everyone, as well as a few other supplies he'd be bound to need. He debated if he should bring the animals in to get their shots taken care of, who knew how long they'd end up being like this, and if he had no vet records from them, it could be serious problems. Then again, he was Torchwood now, if he wanted to fake some vet's papers, he could easily do it for all three of them, as well as receipts for private sales.

The computer store was the next place on Ianto's list. He got an extra large roll out keyboard, so he could plug it into the computer and roll it out on the floor so that anyone else could communicate with him. It was the easiest way he could think of.

By the time he returned home, the three animals had made themselves perfectly at home, even respecting his furniture. Someone had gotten the remote down from the table, and they were watching some comedy on TV, presumably it was Owen's choice. He and Gwen were sitting on the floor curled up, and Jack was lounging on the back of his couch. He smiled and brought out the food for all of them, and made sure they all had water before sitting on the couch. Owen and Gwen jumped up into his lap when they were done eating, and Jack took his position back on the couch, kneading Ianto's shoulders with his front paws. If this wasn't heaven, it was definitely close.

Over the next several days, everyone developed into a routine. Tosh would come home with them about half the time and spend the other half in the Hub. It was apparent she was becoming fast friends with Myfanwy. It must have been nice, having someone else to fly around with after so long of being alone, but nobody seemed to begrudge them. Jack and Gwen spent the day together exploring, there would be times where they wouldn't be seen for hours, and they'd never tell anyone where they went or what they did. Owen was content to play in the water and run around, but at least he was quiet.

With more than a little bit of luck, Ianto managed to handle the daily operations of Torchwood, and there were no major rift storms or incidents that needed to be dealt with. He wasn't quite sure he could manage it alone, but at the same time, knowing that he was alone in it and Jack didn't seem to mind it all that much made him feel much better with being a member of the team.

Four days after the incident, Ianto decided to stay late at work. There was so much he had been able to get done, and he was about two thirds of the way through re-filing almost everything going all the way back to the opening of the Cardiff office. He wouldn't be able to get it all done tonight, but he wasn't the least bit tired, and nobody else seemed to mind when he asked them. He would almost swear Owen was laughing when he joked that all they needed was food and a hand to scratch them occasionally.

It was late by the time Ianto loaded everyone up to go home. He would have just crashed on Jack's bed, except for the fact that he was out of pet food at the Hub. He could have gotten it in the morning if he remembered, but there was just something so compelling in the thought of a long shower before bed.

Of course, something would have to come along and ruin that.

The ship landed right beside the road. Ianto slammed on his brakes and jumped out, gun at the ready. Before he could close the door, Owen and Gwen jumped out of the car and ran toward the ship. He jumped after them, managing to catch one of the leashes.

Owen yelped as all of his forward momentum pulled his choke chain tight around his throat. He spun at Ianto and snapped, nipping at his fingers.

"Owen! Stop it!" Ianto yelled at him, but he let go of the leash rather than being bitten by the dog. He lay on his stomach and watched helplessly as Owen and Gwen jumped up in attack mode against the alien who descended from the ship. He stood slowly, keeping his gun low. "Owen! Gwen! Get back here NOW!" He got his feet under him when a cat knocked into his calf, sending him to his knees. "JACK!" He looked up and saw Tosh flitting over as well.

All four animals were converging on the alien standing by the side of the road, snapping, biting, clawing and pecking at it. Ianto stood and looked across at the alien. "What the hell is going on here?"

"You are different," the alien responded. Its voice was strangely musical, but it held a dangerous undertone. "You do not threaten."

Ianto nodded, still not understanding. "You four, get BACK here!" he snapped, still keeping his gun down. He would have had his gun raised, but there was a greater chance he'd hit one of his friends instead of his intended target.

  
Owen was standing with his front paws on the alien. He looked over his shoulder at Ianto and growled before nipping at the alien's hand again. The being made a dismissive gesture and all four animals went sprawling across the ground, a bright haze covering their bodies.

"What are you doing to them?!" Ianto screamed. He was too surprised to raise his gun, trying to focus on everything going on at once.

"You do not threaten. You need not take the lesson." The creature gave what passed for a smile and turned, heading back for its ship. The ship left as the haze and light collapsed over the four...naked people in the street. Dear lord, was Owen seriously that big? He felt slightly abashed for even looking, but compared to Jack...well, there was no comparison.

He headed back to the SUV to get some blankets, at least the women would be covered. There used to be four blankets, but once he had started toting around a menagerie, two of them had been drafted into service as comfort padding in the car. Before he could return with the blankets, however, Gwen and Owen started screaming.

"Keep it down out there!" came a voice from a nearby apartment building.

Ianto rushed over, shielding his view of his colleagues with the blankets, and tossing one at each of the women. "Here, cover up with this." He took his greatcoat off and dropped it on Owen. "You use this."

Jack lifted his head and grinned cheekily. "What about me?"

"You go without. Everyone in the SUV, I'm taking you back to my place to get cleaned and clothed." He was still exhausted, and he knew that while his duties as a host were clear, it was also his coworkers and they'd survive and not manage to trash his place too much. He hoped. Or he'd make them clean it up.

The drive to his apartment was mostly silent, punctuated mostly by Jack's remarks on the passing scenery and how nice it was to finally be able to talk again. Some part of Ianto thought he should respond, but if he did, he would probably be drawn into a conversation he didn't want to be having while everyone else was in the car.

When they arrived at his apartment, everyone filed in. "I'm going to sleep. I'm about three steps away from passing out right now. Take turns in the shower, there's food in the kitchen, and clothes in the wardrobe in the bedroom. Don't wake me up and play nicely with each other."

Instructions given, Ianto took the time to get ready for bed while everyone else discussed in which order they'd do what. He hid the keys under his pillow so that nobody would escape except on foot, but even if they did, they'd not be able to get back to their places or to the Hub, so what was the use?

Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day, if nothing else.

  


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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.


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